Difficult, sometimes uncomfortable, and mostly superficial

When asking directly about their contact with Norwegians many of the women gave the impression that it is difficult to meet Norwegians outside the activities they do within the organised context. One of the younger women who is still attending school, explains that she

50 has tried to socialize with her classmates, but that she has so far not succeeded. During her time at school, she is mostly in contact with the teachers and the social work staff at school:

“It is not everybody that is… who wants to get to know you or spend time with you, there are a few. So in my class there was nobody who.. who are happy to, or maybe not happy to but that want to get to know you. Some just want their headphones, and some do not want to talk to you.

(…) So, I know a woman at school. She is like, she is a bit old, she works there, and she looks after people. People that have issues at school or if you do not know anybody to sit with during lunch or breaks, she looks after them. (…) During lunch I just sit with her. We talk together and if I have any questions about messages, I got or something else I ask her.”

As demonstrated in the quote above, the younger women seem to experience difficulties in connecting to peers from the majority population. When asked about peer-friends within the Norwegian network they answer negatively. As the other school-going woman tells:

“No, I don’t have. I do not know. Everybody at my school is over 25 years. I am only (x). Also, I do not know somebody who, who has the same age. Yeah, I know one girl, but she is 25.”

The other younger woman continues by saying it is not a problem to her as she does not think age has much to say for her friendships. She describes the friendship she has built up with an elderly Norwegian woman with an immigration background:

“She says I am so old, maybe you get to hate me after some time. No, no, no! I grew up with my grandmother, so I know them well.”

A possible explanation for the women’s relatively easy approach to friendship with bigger age differences could be culturally grounded. Both women were from places that would be described as more collective societies. In collective societies, it is also more common to have extended households that include not only the core family but also grandparents or other family members. However, one can imagine that the lack of contact with their peers, might have a negative influence on feelings of inclusion, acceptance, and integration.

The difficulty to meet people is not only constricted to the school situation. In the following quote, a working woman talks about the fact that she feels uncomfortable in her interaction with Norwegians, and she thinks that the Norwegians might also feel uncomfortable in their interaction with her:

“Uhm…. If you just call them to hang out, like this I think they will be very uncomfortable. I have never invited somebody because it never felt comfort.. I never felt comfortable. (..) I do

51 not know how to accommodate this person and then I feel a lot of pressure. I think my colleague she also feels a lot of pressure.”

The uncomfortable feeling can stem from insecurity of what social behaviour is appropriate and the stress to comply with what is seen as ‘normal’ by the majority. The insecurity around what is appropriate social behaviour with the majority population could lead to less interaction as people feel too insecure to put themselves out there. It is an interesting question if the stress and pressure that the women experience in their contact with Norwegians derive from the will to fit into the social structure accordingly, and if this feeling of pressure and stress is in that way

‘justified’ in relation to what the Norwegian counterpart is expecting from the interaction or if the Norwegian counterpart is aware of these feelings.

Not exactly knowing why it is difficult to socialize with Norwegians is something also mentioned by the other women interviewed. In the following quote, a woman expresses that she feels she is partly to blame since she is not able to speak Norwegian well enough. In addition, she has not yet met somebody who she feels she connects with good enough that it could lead to a substantial relationship:

“I have no idea. I am not sure if it is that I do not know the language maybe. Not speaking enough Norwegian to do that, or not even…. Clearly, they are shy, and I am not making enough effort. But I have not met anybody yet that I would like to make an effort for. And that, you know that happens right, you meet someone, and it clicks and you want to get to know someone more.

And I have not met somebody like that. That should be a social experience, how to meet Norwegians and what (…). (laughs)”

By analysing the interactions that do occur between the women and the Norwegians they meet, it gives the impression that these relationships are mostly superficial. With superficial, it is meant that the women do not develop deeper friendship connections where they invite each other over, participate in different social activities together, and in conversations share worries or vulnerabilities and dreams or hopes (Rhodes, 2014).

One of the women gives an example related to the voluntary organisations she attends to learn a new language. In the organisation, she has met several new friends, but she also mentions that she experienced issues in talking about what she refers to as “big subjects”:

“Just, I studied English at a voluntary organisation, and I got some friends there. But.. I.. we..

it was difficult to talk about things.. subjects.. big subjects.”

52 Another woman reflects on the fact that she does not experience her relationships here as friendships. She is currently working and has lived in Norway for over a year and a half. To her, the level of a relationship should be very high to be able to talk about a friendship. A friendship takes time to develop, according to her, and she did not necessarily expect that to happen during the time she has spent in Norway so far. She formulates it as:

“Friendship means maybe… Friendship means something else than just knowing each other.

Friendship for me is on a very high level. So, actually, I do not know if I have such… friends, who know a lot about me here in Norway. That I do not know. There are people that help me, and we can talk and cooperate, and do different things, but we do not say everything to each other. That’s how it is.”

The women express hereby few close relations to the majority population, except for the contact with “new” Norwegians who have lived in Norway for a considerable amount of time. The supposed lack of close relationships is possibly not surprising considered that most contacts occur within voluntary organisations where meetings are often not in the light of getting to know each other but in learning and helping. The scarcity of deeper relationships with the majority could potentially harm the feeling of inclusion the women might experience, as several of them mention that activities with Norwegians give them a greater sense of belonging.

4.2.4 Agency

One thing that struck in this research is how much these women are doing on their own. Finding or trying to find work, finding, and making new friends, trying to master a new language (or two), and settling in a new country with different rules and regulations. All women that were represented in the interviews were active in their own way to make something of themselves.

One of the women expresses that she purposely tries to be more independent and proactive regarding her social contacts, but also in other aspects of her (social) life as she sees this as a gateway to learn the language quicker. She expresses that she learns Norwegian more quickly by doing things alone and therefore prefers to undertake (social) activities independently:

“Yes, they help me a little, but I like to do things alone. When I do things alone, I understand a lot of Norwegian.”

Other women show that they pro-actively handle to better their situation. Many women show a proactive attitude to get in contact with others or to fix problems they encounter on the way.

53 The following woman expresses that she does not get shy or afraid of new things because she sees being afraid to try new things as a hinder for exploring new opportunities:

If one gets scared or shy, one cannot find what one wants. If one does not get scared or shy, one can find what one wants. You can find a job, or you can find.. And you can learn things.

Then you can know about everything. It is like this it happened for me. You understand? (..) I want to do something myself to find things. I do not get tired of that.”

One of the women also spoke about adapting her preferences regarding social activities to be able to connect with the majority population. Where she would prefer to do more indoor and relaxing activities, she also partakes in sports and outdoor-based activities as this gives her the possibility to socialize. This indicates that the women are willing to get out of their comfort zone and adapt to a different (social) culture. The adaptation also portrays how important it is for women to be able to take part in social activities, since they are willing to spend time and energy on something they actually might not enjoy that much doing. As one of the women explains:

“That is very Norwegian things to do. (laughs). I would like to go to a bar and just sit and drink but now I have to be outside because that is what they like. Or something .. sporty. Say if you’re not hiking, we are climbing in the climbing hall, which I don’t like at all, but I go because you know I want to do something. So very Norwegian but I have started to like it. Soo.. yeah (laughs). It is not good. (laughs)”

Besides the women interviewed, it also became apparent that the other women who were present at the recruiting organisation were active in different areas. Noteworthy is that at least three of the women were involved in voluntary organisational work from an organising perspective. Although not all these women might have been in the ‘traditional’ work situation, it was clear that they used their time to try to better their own and other women’s situations.