Clarity
Sloppiness of language both reflects and reinforces the sloppiness of underlying thoughts.
George Orwell
Private Causes of Bad Writing
• To make ideas seem more impressive
• Memory of an English teacher
• Writing about matters we don’t entirely understand
– Typically when starting a new field – Blunders discredit the author
– Author’s maxim: Write about what you know.
Professional Causes of Bad Writing
• All academic communities have characteristic ways of writing – Lawyers talk and write distinctively from physicians
– Sociologists’ style is distinct from philosophers
• New students to a field typically
– dump all new concepts that seemed relevant, but not entirely understood, onto a page
– all-purpose prepositions loosely tie together abstract ideas
Paradox: as you struggle with new ideas, your writing predictably will degenerate, because
• what you are reading
• and trying to imitate
• suffers from the same clotted abstraction
Sound familiar?
“Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny within the conceptual
framework of development of advanced species, represented by adult organisms of more primitive species, such that each successive stage or stages in the development of an individual represents one of the adult forms that appeared in its
evolutionary history.”
• If you don’t control your own thoughts, your style will slip into those same clumps of abstractions:
“conceptualization of the framework of ideas of development of species that are advanced, by representation of adult
organisms…”
• Principle: understand what you are trying to control.
Principle 1 – Clarity
Make the reader understand what he is reading
Central components to all stories:
characters (subjects) their actions (verbs)
When your prose feels abstract, too complex, do two things:
1. Locate the cast of characters and the actions that those characters perform.
2. If those characters are not subjects and their actions are not verbs, revise so they are.
In other words, clearly state who is doing what.
The lesson:
1. Know what characters and actions are most important.
2. You will communicate those ideas clearly by making characters subjects
actions verbs
Example
1. Because we knew nothing about local conditions, we could not determine how
effectively the experiment had sampled areas that most needed representation.
2. Our lack of knowledge about local conditions precluded determination of
experiment action effectiveness in sample determination to those areas in greatest need of representation.
Same story, but sentence 2. is unclear. Why?
Actions are not verbs, rather they are abstract nouns:
lack, knowledge, determination, action, need.
Sentence 1. names actions in verbs, and uses subjects to name characters:
we knew nothing
we could not determine the experiment sampled
areas needed
Storytelling
characters and their actions
No characters appear in
The current estimate is of 50%
reduction in the introduction of new chemical products in the event that compliance with the Preliminary Manufacture Notice becomes a requirement under proposed Federal legislation.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t any If Congress requires that the
chemical industry complies with the Preliminary Manufacturing Notice, we estimate that the industry will introduce 50% fewer new products.
When characters are concepts
Any characters?
Because the intellectual foundations of evolution are the same as so many other scientific theories, the
falsification of their foundations would be necessary for the
replacement of evolutionary theory with creationism.
The theories are characters
In contrast to creationism, the theory of evolution shares its
intellectual foundations with many other theories. As a result,
creationism will displace
evolutionary theory only when it can first prove that the foundation of all those other theories are false.
How to make it unclear
• Make it sound academic
• Make actions (verbs) into characters (nouns).
Despite his knowledge of the need by the cities for
new revenues for improvement of their schools, the
Governor executed a veto of the budget bill to give
encouragement to the cities for an increase of local
taxes.
Despite his knowledge of the need by the cities for new revenues for
improvement of their schools, the Governor executed a veto of the budget bill to give encouragement to the cities for an increase of local taxes.
Characters and actions
• Governor
– he knew something – he vetoed a bill
– he will encourage the cities
• The cities
– they need revenue
– they [should] improve schools – they [should] increase taxes
• Schools
– they will be improved
Re-write actions with verbs not nouns
1. to know – knowledge 2. to need – the need
3. to improve– improvement 4. to veto – the veto
5. to encourage – encouragement 6. to increase – the increase
Though the Governor knew that the cities needed new revenue to improve schools, he vetoed the budget bill because he wanted to encourage cities to increase local taxes.
Verbs and Actions
Turgid prose results from using a verb not to express action but merely to state an action exists.
We conducted an investigation of it.
A review was done on the literature.
A need exists for greater sample selection efficiency.
There is the possibility of prior approval of it.
= We investigated it.
= They reviewed the literature.
= We must select samples more efficiently.
= He might approve of it ahead of time.
Write clearly!
• “Yes, I know that. But how?”
• Were you told to:
– Be specific, concrete
– Use fewer prepositional phrases – Show logical order
– Use connectors to show relationships – Write shorter sentences
• “Ok, but how?”
• Think about abstraction in your past writing.
Write more specifically, more concretely.
• If you turn verbs into nouns and then delete characters, you fill a sentence with abstraction:
There has been an affirmative decision for research termination.
• But, when we use subjects to name characters and verbs to show their actions, we write sentences that are specific and concrete.
The Director decided to terminate the research.
Avoid too many prepositional phrases
Notice the abstraction
An evaluation of the program by us will allow greater efficiency in allocation of funds.
• Use verbs instead of abstract nouns, and you reduce prepositional phrases.
We will evaluate the program so that we can allocate funds
better.
Put your ideas in a logical order
More abstraction
• When we turn verbs into nouns and string them through prepositional phrases, we can confuse the logic sequence of actions. This series of actions distorts the real chronological sequence:
The closureof the branch and the transfer of its business and non-unionized employees constituted an unfair labor practice because the purpose of obtaining an economic benefit by means of discouraging unionization motivated the closure and transfer.
• But, when we use subjects to name characters and verbs to show their actions, we’ll more likely match our syntax to the logic of our story.
The partners committed an unfair labor practice when they closedthe branch and transferred its business and non-unionized employees in order to discourage
unionization and thereby obtainan economic benefit.
Use connectors to clarify logical relationships
How abstract is this?
The more effective presentation of needs by other parties to NFR resulted in our failure in acquiring funds, despite
intensive lobbying efforts on our part.
• Turn nouns into verbs and you have to use logical operators like because, although, and if to link the new sequences of clauses.
Although we lobbied NFR intensively, we could not acquire
funds because other interests presented their needs more
effectively.
Write short sentences
There is nothing wrong with a long sentence.
• But… match subjects and verbs with characters and actions, and we almost always write a shorter
sentence. Compare all the example sentences and revised sentences.
• The objective is not curtness: what counts is not the number of words in a sentence, but how easily we get from the beginning to the end while
understanding everything in between.
First two principles of clear writing
1. The subject names the characters.
– Sometimes the writer implies a character in an adjective.
Determination of policy occurs at the presidential level.
The President determines policy.
– Some characters and actions are so removed we must recast them.
There seems to be no obvious reason that would account for the apparent
unavailability of evidence relevant to the failure of this problem to yield to standard solutions.
I do not know why my staff cannot find evidence to explain why wehaven’t been able to solve this problem in the ways wehave before.
2. The verbs show the characters’ crucial actions.
Principle 3
Avoid turning verbs and adjectives into nouns
Clear: We must select samples more efficiently.
Cloudy: A need exists for greater selection efficiency.
But nominalization can be necessary.
Don’t revise the nominalization if the subject refers to a previous sentence
:
These arguments all depend on a single unproven claim.
This decision can lead to costly consequences.
Look for useless nominalization
• When the nominalization is the subject of an empty verb, change it to a specific verb.
I conducted an investigationinto the manner.
I investigated the matter.
The committee has no expectation that it will meet the deadline.
The committee does not expect to meet the deadline.
• You might have to replace the nominal subject.
Our discussion concernedthe term paper.
Wediscussed the term paper.
The intention of the professor is to teach students how to avoid nominalization.
The professor intendsto teach students how to avoid nominalization.
Look for multiple words that end in “ion”
There was first an explanation of the evolution of science.
When you find consecutive nominalization,
• turn the first one into a verb,
First, we explained the evolution of science.
• Then either omit the second or turn it into a verb in a clause beginning with how or why.
First, we explained how science evolved.
Tip: Abstract nouns often end in “ion”. Under Edit, find: “ion”.
But not all nominalizations end in ion
Verb Noun
approve approval discover discovery
move movement
resist resistance
react reaction
react reaction
fail failure
refuse refusal
Adjective Noun
careless carelessness
difficult difficulty differentdifference
elegant elegance
applicable applicability intense intensity
Clarification about Nominalization in Elimination of Abstraction
• Over-use of abstract nouns tends to make readers fall asleep.
The conclusion that the reduction of abstraction was brought about by the elimination of nominalization to the paper was carried out…
• Sentences full of abstract nouns also tend to be full of ofs and thes.
Liberate the active verb hidden in every abstract noun and these redundant words will disappear.
• When you see a weak past participle such as:
occurred, effected, brought about, achieved, produced, carried out, conducted, done, added, performed…
Look for the abstract noun that often accompanies such a participle and see whether you can substitute an active verb.
No exploration of this possibility has yet been carried out Nobody has explored this possibility.
Clearer still
Scholars in different fields write in different ways. And in all fields, some scholarly writers and editors resolutely avoid the first person everywhere. But if they claim that all good academic writing in all fields must always be impersonally written third-person, always passive, they are wrong.
J. Williams Style: Toward Clarity and Grace
Principle 4
Express actions in specific verbs
Turgid prose typically uses a verb not to express action but to state that an action exists:
I conducted an investigation of amino acids.
I investigated amino acids.
When the nominalization follows there is or there are, change it to a verb and find a subject.
There is a need for further study of this program.
We must study this program further.
There was considerable erosion of the land from the floods.
The floods considerably eroded the land.
Tip: Under Edit, find: “there is” and “there are” and check for nominalization.
Active Eliminates the Abstract
• Your style will be more vigorous and direct if you avoid unnecessary passive verbs.
Compare:
Passive: A new approach towards writing detailed in a UMB plan will be
submitted. A novel method of teaching writing has been discoveredby the staff.
Active: UMB will submit a plan that details a new approach towards writing. The staff has discovered a novel method to teach writing.
• Notice how an active sentence
– names the specific agent of an action – reduces the words
• Combine passives with nominalizations, and you
– confuse authority and objectivity
– with abstraction and remote personality.
Gender movement to less restrictive methods of finance may be followed by increased probability of poverty reduction within households.
If we finance women less restrictively, they may increase household wealth.
Active vs. Passive
In active sentences the subject expresses the agent of an action, and the object expresses the goal or the thing changed by the action:
subject object
Active: The partners broke
the agreement.
agent goal
subject prepositional phrase
Passive: The agreement
was broken by the partners.
goal agent
Principle 5
Use active voice where appropriate
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
• Over-use of the verb “to be” weakens and muddles your thoughts.
• Often over-used or clumsily used:
There were four students under investigation.
Four students were investigated. (passive) We investigated four students. (active)
• Use there is, there are, there was, and there were as little as possible
• Generally, the active voice is more precise and less wordy than the passive.
• Why then do scientists and scholars insist on the verbose passive?
“It was found that” in preference to the short, unambiguous “I found.”
– Erroneous idea that first-person is too informal and impolite – Editorial requirements of journals
– Bad habit
When to Use the Active Voice
• When academic writers do use the first person, they use it for a purpose:
– When we refer to the context of writing about something:
I (we) explain, show, argue, claim, deny, describe, suggest, contrast, – When we list the parts or steps in our presentation:
I (we) first, second, third, finally
– When we express our logical connections:
I (we) infer, support, prove, illustrate
• If scholarly writers use the first person at all, they predictably use I or we in introductions, where they announce their intentions:
We claim that, We shall show, We begin by examining
Academic and scientific writers rarely use the first person when they refer to particular actions, such as:
To determine if students liked to write, I composed a questionnaire.
Far more likely,
To determine if students liked to write, a questionnaire was designed.
When to Use the Passive Voice
Use the passive when you want to avoid stating who is responsible for an action,
– because you don’t know, or – don’t care, or
– because you’d rather not say.
Those who are found guilty of murder can be executed. (The judge actually executes the guilty.)
Now you understand why politicians talk the way they do.
Principle 6
Avoid compounding nouns
Early childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often occurs
because of unfamiliarity with resent research literature
describing such conditions. This paper reviews seven recent
studies of particular relevance to preteen hyperactivity diagnosis and to treatment modalities involving medication
maintenance level evaluation procedures.
• Noun + Noun + Noun
sustainable natural resource development studies
• Several nouns and an adjective can confuse the reader
random household poverty analysis random analysis of household
poverty?
analysis of poverty in random households?
• Best to simply avoid the compound noun phrase
household-level poverty alleviation strategies
Correct the problem
1. Use the appropriate prepositions:
random analysis of household poverty, or analysis of poverty in random households
2. Use a hyphen to indicate one composite noun
poverty-suppression pseudo-science
small woodlot owner?
3. Disassemble compound nouns: reverse their order:
1 2 3 4
early childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis
Disassembling compound nouns
1 2 3 4
early childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis
4 3 2 1
misdiagnosis disordered thought in early thought
Reversing the order is not always easy. Can you see the ambiguity? What’s early:
the childhood?
the disorder ? or the diagnosis?
Now reassemble into a sentence
Physicians are misdiagnosing
disordered thought in young children because they are not familiar
with literature on recent research.
Early childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often occurs because of unfamiliarity with resent research
literature describing
such conditions.
Unclear in the same way?
Decisions in regard to the administration of medication despite the inability of irrational patients voluntarily appearing in Trauma Centers to provide legal consent rest with a physician alone.
• Makes us sort out and then mentally re-
assemble several actions expressed as abstract nouns.
– decisions – administration – inability – consent
• But if we
– revise abstract nouns into verbs expressing action.
– make verbs’ actors into subjects of those actions – rearrange the events chronologically
When a patient voluntarily appears at a Trauma Center but behaves so irrationally that he
cannot legally consent to treatment, only a physician can decide whether to administer medication.
China, so that it could expand and widen its influence and importance among Eastern European nations, in 1955 began in a quietly orchestrated way a diplomatic offensive directed against the Soviet Union.
• Notunclear because
– Writer used too many abstract nouns – Displaced its actors
– Confused sequence of events
• But unclearbecause he
– Separated parts of the sentence he should have kept together – Used more words than needed
In 1955, China began to orchestrate a quiet diplomatic offensive against the Soviet Union to expand its influence in Eastern Europe.
Unclear because abstract?
When pAD4038 in E. coli pmiiman A mutant CD1 heterologously over expressed the P. aeuuginosa pmi gene, there appeared high level of PMI and GMP activities that were detectable only when pAD4038 was present.
• It seems unclear not because the writer fell into abstractions or split elements of the sentence, but because we don’t understand the words.
• But it is clear to someone who knows the field.
Replace professional terms and the sentence clearly reads
When the writer over expressed joy, there appeared high level of emotions that were detectable only when the psychologist was present.
